The nuclear family is no longer the only socially acceptable environment to raise children.
In fact, 16% of children in the US live in blended families.
Blended families with children come in many forms, incl. divorced/separated couples who’ve remarried/recoupled, two single parents joining households, etc.
While blending families is common, it can still be destabilizing for children. Even the picturesque Brady Bunch had a rough start adjusting to their new blended household!
Today, we’ll learn how to help children thrive in a new blended family environment.
1. Don’t rush
This tip is specifically for parents who’ve recently ended a long-term relationship.
Sometimes, it can be tempting to get into another serious relationship right away. Relationships can provide a sense of safety, excitement, etc. We might rush to remarry/recouple, create a blended family, and find stability again.
But doing this can cause unnecessary stress for our children. It doesn’t give them time to process the end of our relationship (likely with their other biological parent). Also, they don’t have time to create bonds with our new partner (and their children, if they have any).
Rushing into a new relationship doesn’t let us build a healthy foundation for a blended family.
We should wait at least two years before remarrying/starting a long term relationship.
2. Listen to children
Many of us probably grew up with parents who ignored our feelings. Maybe they did what they thought was best for us without our input.
But being inconsiderate of our children’s opinions makes them feel undervalued and unsafe.
It’s important that we let our children express their feelings about the new family structure. We should listen without judgment. If they have concerns, we can help them brainstorm solutions.
We should make it a priority to ask them how they’re doing. It’s best to do this in private, where they can feel safe sharing.
3. Build bonds
Creating genuine, long-lasting connections takes time. And it might feel uncomfortable at first.
But being a functional family requires strong bonds and routines.
One way to facilitate this is to create new family traditions. Over time, these experiences help blended families feel like a connected unit.
Establishing a weekly board game night, monthly outing, or new celebrations for milestones can help.
4. Set house rules
Everyone has different opinions on house rules, appropriate discipline, and general expectations.
It’s critical that we talk with our new partner about this. We should agree on chores, bedtime, curfews, expectations around respect, consequences for breaking rules, etc.
These rules should apply to all children in the family, biological or not.
That said, it’s best for biological parents to enforce the rules in the beginning. Children feel safer when their main source of guidance and nurturing comes from their biological parents.
After trust is built, they’re more likely to accept rule enforcement from stepparents/new caregivers.
However, our partner should still uphold the rules for our biological children. If they receive pushback, they should let us know so we can handle it.
5. Make family check-ins a priority
It’s useful to check-in with the whole family regularly.
Everyone, including children, should get a chance to express their feelings about the new dynamic. They can tell us what’s working, what challenges they’re having, and what they need.
We should be flexible in adapting rules and expectations (within reason). This lets us try out new solutions as a family, and find what works best for everyone.
6. Be patient
Trying to avoid any discomfort when establishing a blended family is likely impossible. Change can be difficult, even if everyone gets along.
Instead of trying to force a happy family unit into existence, we should accept that things won’t be perfect.
This allows us to take on challenges as they come, without becoming discouraged.
Summary
Change can be scary for children during the best of times. During difficult times, rapid changes can be incredibly destabilizing.
That’s why it’s important to be mindful when building a blended family.
With patience, empathy and clear expectations, children can thrive in their new environment.
Sources